Hello Love,
This has been a harder week for your mommy than she thought it would be. You see I feel like I have been waiting for you forever now. There are days when I feel perfectly fine, almost divinely patient in my waiting to be blessed to have you and then there are days like the past few where my patience is holding on by a very thin thread. Lately my mind just has been fixated on why I have to be the one who waits. Why can't it be the girl over there with 2 young children and one on the way? Why does she get to have her sweet babies and not me? What have I done wrong? Why don't I deserve this gift and someone on welfare does? I have a lot of "why me" feelings this week and I don't mean to, but sometimes your mommy likes to go off into her own world and have a pity party for herself. Actually I don't think I even want to call them pity parties anymore! I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I do want something to happen already! I want to know who you are! I want to hold you inside my tummy and hear your heartbeat along with mine. I want to know if you are a boy or a girl. I want to see your face and hold you. I want to calm your screaming. I want to just take care of you. But as the days go by I get more and more upset that I'm not doing those things already.
I want you to know now that when I become pregnant with you I will be the most fulfilled and happy mommy the world has ever known. It took your grammy a loooong time to have your Uncle Bart and then another five years later she had me. I know she felt what I am feeling and somehow I am thankful that she went through it, but at the same time I just don't understand why the same thing is going on with me.
A lot of people tell your mommy to "relax, it will happen" or "you need to go on vacation" and "just stop trying, I know so-and-so and she stopped trying and then it happened"....blah, blah, blah!!! I know they all mean well, but I'm really getting sick of hearing the same thing over and over again. I'm getting tired of not knowing why you aren't here with us yet. I don't know what God is doing, but I can only imagine that it will be great! I can't help but think that you just are the most perfect, angelic child that He's ever created and it takes a while for a one of a kind "you" to be made. I know you will be worth the wait, sweetie, I know you will.... I just long to feel you in my arms! Mommy's having a hard week.
If you can read this, would you tell God to hurry a little faster? Ha! Like I can tell the creator of the universe what to do! But maybe you can just whisper to Him that your mommy and daddy are ready to meet you? When He's giving you your great-grandpa Buddy's single dimple just wink at him and say, "all done?" Maybe my family up there in Heaven is just having the best time with you. I don't know, but I sure would like to have you here. Then maybe your daddy will get to stop worrying about when I'm gonna be sad again.
I love you more than anything, baby!
Love, Your Mommy, Sarah (and daddy too)
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